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“Global warming – It’s bollocks mate!” (Keats)

 

Well, you know what it’s like, I’d just sat down to play three card brag with my favourite pilchard; when the phone rang.  It was a Government official from the department of ‘Fuck me, is it warm out there or is it me’, and it was clear that he wanted my assistance… 

What’s on your mind then big boy, I asked?  Global warming he replied frantically.  Stop right there heart face, I said, I’m already on it.  In fact in the last seven minutes I’ve worked out why the planet is warming up, and it’s all sortable.  The relief on his face was evident, and he sat back with a possum and rocket sandwich and listened to my findings.

Think back to the dawn of time, a time when there were fewer people, animals or Star Bucks on the earth – more specifically, a time when there were no roads, highways or skyscrapers.

What we had then was a well balanced globe rotating quite happily between the sun and the moon.  Now, stone cold logic says, if you add any extra weight to any part of a spinning mass, be it on one side or the other, it will spin on a new axis.  And that right there is your problem is mate! 

As it stands at the moment, on one side of the planet you’ve got deserts, forests, a bunch of ice, and a sprinkling of people, while on the other side you’ve got a whole mess of buildings, extra people and more animals than you can shake your old chap at.  However, this is just part of the issue.

Some say that the earth revolves on its axis because of the gravitational pull between the moon and the sun.  Others will tell you it’s because at the center of the planet, we have a mass of spinning molten lava pushing the world around.  Well, as a cub scout who still has his woggle ‘intactus’, I can tell you that this is a complete crock of horseshit!

For a start, you need three elements to keep a fire alight, a source of ignition, then a fuel and finally a regular supply of oxygen.  Take any one of these three integral elements out of the equation, and a fire you can’t make pal!  So, if you think you can set fire to a bunch of rocks, underground, you give it a go!  If you can so much as achieve a spark, I’ll have your next lovechild!!!

So, what can we do to offset the treat of global warming, if it exists?  Well, I thought it would be obvious.  All of the other planets in the solar system have remained roughly the same since the day that they were formed.  And as a far as we know, it’s only the earth that has been buit on.  All we have to do is redress the balance stupid!  We replicate  exactly what’s on one side of the planet, to the other, and Bob’s yer uncle son!  It’s not rocket science is it!

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