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“I hear you knockin’, but you can’t come in…”

 

Now, I don’t usually touch on religion, in any shape or form, because it’s such a diverse subject, and I’m not a religious person, but in this instance I going to make an exception.  I am, or was, more than a little peeved when someone knocked at my door a few months ago, and tried to tell me that I wouldn’t fare too well once the day of reckoning had engulfed the whole planet!   Cheery little bloke he was…

He was ‘spreading the good word’, and on two occasions I gave up my time to talk to him.  At no point did he say he was a Witness of Jehovah – they never do.  Now, if you were selling something, surely you would want to advertise your brand name wouldn’t you?  I didn’t even see a logo ladies and gentlemen.  So it seems that there is a certain amount of deception right from the off, and do you know why?  Well, among the various fractions of faiths, the God squad that believes Jehovah is the way forward, are without doubt, the most sickly and annoying people I have ever met.  And it seems that I’m not the only one who feels this way.  They have a radar system that’s set to put any normal person’s day back by at least an hour, and they can’t get to grips with the fact that, overall, nobody wants them on their doorstep. 

So, for the benefit of any up and coming Jehovah’s Witnesses in my area, here’s what you need to know before you get on the starting grid in the morning.  If I want some food, I’ll pop along to Sainsbury’s, and by the same token, if I want some God I’ll stick my head in at the ‘God shop’.  I don’t expect, or want, a representative from either party waking me up at 8:30 on a Saturday morning for a chat, no matter how fresh your produce is!    

So we start chatting, while follower two stands in silence.  We covered a few subjects, and it wasn’t long before the main man said, “We’ve got a leaflet about that.”  And they’ve got an answer and a bloody leaflet for everything you can throw at them.  I let him ramble on for a while before he made his opening pitch, which was, “If a person was standing up in a boat and was causing a disturbance, what would you do?”  And before I answered he said, “You’d throw him overboard wouldn’t you!”  Well no, not straight away, I’d try and calm things down first.  This didn’t register with the JW, he seemed more concerned with ditching the person who stood up for himself and stood apart from the crowd.

In the end, he resorted to nitpicking at everything I had to say while smiling at me.  Cigarette two:  we’re still on my doorstep, and he’s still rambling on…  We returned to the boat story again, and somehow we leaped to the notion that if you we, as humans, weren’t living life on the straight and narrow, we would come a cropper come the day of Armageddon.   Yes, he was full of happy thoughts that day! 

My passing shot across his bows was to say that, ” Hey, I’m a good person, I’ll be all right.”  And, as much as I know anything about myself, there isn’t a nasty bone in my body, unless you upset me.  And what was his last cheery and saintly reply, “Well let’s hope there’s a seat on the boat for you then.”  WHAT A NASTY BASTARD!  How dare a so-called Bible-basher, talk to me like that on my own doorstep! 

I wish I had had the strength and inclination to take him to task over subjects such as blood transfusions, and why the Jehovah’s Witnesses have a higher than average suicide rate than the rest of the population, or the fact that they cover up any form of child abuse.  By all accounts this faith is run on fear, and if you dare leave the circle you get blanked. Rest assured, you won’t find a leaflet about these areas.  And don’t get me started on the second coming.  Oh deary, deary me, what a fiasco!

The Witnesses grew from the American Adventist tradition.  And a chap called, William Miller predicted that the second coming of Christ would occur on the 22nd of October 1844.  And guess what?  He was talking bollocks!  This day became known as The Great Disappointment – priceless!  And you might have thought that after being let down by the ‘Big Boys’ absence,  this might have caused a certain amount of doubt and a vote of no confidence among the flock and their elders.  But no, they still they carry on with their worship today, even after another smart arse opened his gob, in 1966, and predicted the second, second coming.  Honestly, some people just don’t know when to lay down and die, do they!  Thisnext appearance was set for sometime in 1975 , and guess what?  The bugger didn’t turn up again.  Well what a surprise!  Bloody idiots.

Note to all JW’s in my area: if I have a bunch of shopping bags under my arm and I’m just about to walk out of my door, this means I’m going shopping, and it isn’t a good time to catch me for a chat.  If I want a polite and smiley one-sided, ‘we’ve gotta leaflet for that’, conversation, I’ll contact you  – OKAY!

This is BB signing off.  “RIGHT – WHO THREW THAT?

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