Just before we start I’d like say well done to the English cricket team.  I’ve heard of them being beaten by many teams in the past – but the Netherlands, really!  What a bunch of full tossers.  

Anyway, my rant this session is aimed at the advertising industry.  Have you ever reacted to and advert and thought, “I simply must get one of those right now.”  Unless I’ve been caught out by subliminal cuts I don’t think I have so far.  Mmmm, more shopping channels please Mr Ad Man!  They’re enough to make you puke.  What’s worse than the ads themselves is that people held board meetings over some of the most sickly of adverts.  Then they hired a team of script writers in and some poor Doris had to go into a recording studio to round off the campaign.    

Perhaps it’s because I’m older that I feel the need to turn down the sound on my TV when the most inane ads catch me by surprise?  No, I think it’s just the fact that I really don’t want my ears offended by utter drivel for three minutes.  And what better way to ruin a film than by putting an ad break in every 15 minutes, God they’re some sick people about.  Things got far worse when cable TV hit the screens.  I don’t know about you but on more than one occasion I’ve been sucked into a great programme but when the ads came on they ran for so long I’d forgotten what I was watching! 

Of course your worst case scenario is a bum down, feet up and a plate of food on chest situation.  And there are sensors in you televisions that pick up such a setting.  [Thinks: did I have my Tamazapam top this morning?]  As I laid into my spaghetti bolognese I was subject to the longest senna pod ad in the known world and this was followed by an ad for Imodium. 

I don’t watch a lot of daytime TV, that’s probably why I’m still alive and have a fully functioning brain but if you time it wrong in the mornings you can be bombarded by a host of rubbish while you’re eating your breakfast.  Again this situation revolves around knowing exactly where the remote is.  In one sitting I subjected to four ads in a row.  The first was for verrucas, the next was for ear wax, the third warned me about female bloating and the final ad gave me a detailed run down on thrush!  It put me right off my crumpets I have to say.  And who names these products for the ladywomen?  A standup comedian I reckon.  Vagisil – ewwwww!  I’m all for equality but I think it’s time the ladies downbelow ads were on a separate channel! 

I’m sure someone sits in a small office somewhere deep in the bowels of ad HQ and makes these symptoms up you know.  I mean, not only do the fairer sex get bloating but they also suffer from bladder weakness and an over active bladder too!  The men have a similar complaint, it’s called 16 pints of Stella.   And don’t get me started on Wind Ezee!  The one set of ads I can’t abide are the ones aimed at the dozier housewife who thinks that her house smells so they feel obliged to cover the pong with another smell.  God, they are relentless.  If  your walking past my house you’ll hear much swearing when a glade advert appears on my television, aaaaaaargh!  My stock phrase for such ads is aways the same, “Open a fucking window you twatbag!”    And bloody and, now there’s a Glade pong pot with a motion detector!  What I want to know is how the hell does it know when you’re in the bog?  Nuff said.

A.O. B.

Name check: Sepp Blatter.  Sounds like something you’d stick down the toilet.

I know who put the ‘sod’ in Sensodyne but I’m not sure who put the ‘fun’ in funerals.  Scunthorpe – I’m not prepared to go there.

I’ve been here while you’ve been out there…    Take the next few days of and enjoy the rest,  Bipolar Bill (“,)

This entry was posted on Friday, June 12th, 2009 at 4:31 pm and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.