Now you may have been banged up for 32 life sentences in an Israeli prison but, it doesn’t stop your sperm getting out for an ‘away day’ trip.  The question on everybody’s lips is, “How is it doing it?” 

Conjugal visits are forbidden in most Israeli prisons and security is tight during visits however, obviously the security measures are not tight enough.  Which begs the questions, how observant are the prison warders, are they being bribed in some way or are they just plain stupid?  

Naturally, the Israeli Government has heard of my success in radical solutions, and they contacted me to address this problem for them.  So, after a lock-in at the ‘Strumpet’s Gusset’ and very little sleep, here are my findings.

First, let’s take a look at the problems facing the sperm in its bid to escape unchallenged.  Timing is everything, especially with a survival rate outside of the human body of 48 hours.  This leads me to believe the act of this procedure must be occurring in the prisoners visiting room itself.    

Memo to all staff: beware of prisoners with just one hand visible at any given time and, of female visitors facing away from the speaking grill, on all fours, with their kilts over their heads!

Secondly, if said sperm is to be taken outside of the prison walls it would have to be placed in a container or carrier to enable a transaction to take place. 

2nd Memo to all staff: note how many prisoners request a Biro before a visit.  Once the ink refill has been removed the outer casing could be employed as a blow pipe! 

In this instance, even if the recipient was to perform a number of unexpected cartwheels in the visitor’s pit, they could still be assured of a direct hit!

All in all, it is my considered opinion that the story begins in the prisoner’s carpentry room.  The number of new students in this department has risen by 80% in the last year alone, and there’s been a keen interest in making catapults.   

So it would seem the prisoners are simply ‘knocking one out in the potting shed’ and then aiming the fallout over the prison walls, straight into the reception of the IVF clinic next door!

No, no, there’s no need for thanks, just send money!

This entry was posted on Monday, March 18th, 2013 at 4:53 am and is filed under Neils Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.